I need a time out.
I need a grown-up to tell me that there are logical consequences for illogical actions.
The rule of time out is that your age determines how long of a time out you need. Generally, it's one minute per year.
I need 22 minutes.
22 minutes to think about why I actively made a decision that would hurt my new relationship while complicating my old one and to figure out why I'm so afraid of commiting to Ida.
If I'm lucky, I'll have a couple minutes left over to think about my anxiety, my body image and my sexuality.
If I'm really, really lucky I'll have one minute left over to think about things that make me happy.
........I don't think I'm that lucky.

I'm not leaving my apartment tonight.
And I'm not answering my phone either.

Sleeping over at Ethan's last night wasn't a very good idea- I got bad sleep because the fouton isn't all that comfortable and now I smell bad because the stink from his comforter rubbed off on me. Eeeew. 

I think I should make some new friends. I'm starting to feel like a reclusive loser...but I don't want to consort with ordinary people. Only radical queers and feminists.

I want to cut my hair off and get a new tattoo  REALLY BADLY. But money is tight. So tight, in fact, that I have none. Ugh. I work and work and work just to spend it on fucking blls. 

I want to find my cell phone. It's been missing for over 22 hours. There's a chance it's still in my apartment somewhere, but it's set on silent so I can't hear it ring. * Shakes fist at heavens* Why must you toy with me, oh Gods?

I read all of these books this week:
The Mysterious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time. It's written from the perspective of a 15 year old boy with Autism, and it's fucking brilliant. 
 This Is What A Lesbian Looks Like. It's a collection of essays written by lesbian feminists about feminism, racism, gender equality and sexual orientation vs. sexual prefrence. 
Women of the Silk. It takes place in China during WWI and is about a girl who has taken a vow of celibacy and joined the silk-making trade in order to become independent in a society that demands she be married.
Stonewall. It's about the history and the events leading up to the Stonewall riots and includes interviews with people who were there. The only thing I don't really like about it is that it completely excludes lesbians.  Reading the book you'd think that there weren't any lesbians involved whatsoever. 

I can't stop eating strawberries.

I seem to be perpetually confused lately.

I'm having the period form hell. It's like the original Amityville Horror in there.

I'm going to post a bunch of pictures soon.

I'm sitting in my apartment right now, listening to the bar next door. I like hearing all the voices mixing together with the sound of laughter and ice clinking in cocktail glasses.  

Earlier this week Ida, Patti and I waited until dark and tip-toed down the steps to Leddy Beach (now appropriately nicknamed Lezzie Beach) to drink cold beers and skinny-dip to beat the oppressive heat and humidity. There were a couple scattered bonfires with college kids huddled around them, but we sat in the dark under a tree and laughed our asses off. We splashed around and the water made Ida weightless, so I carried her around in my arms. After a while we didn't even notice how cold the water was.

Ida and I are planning a vacation to Boston/ Cape Cod during the first week of July for our two month anniversary. We talked about it over and over, but yesterday we actually went online and booked a room at The Boatslip  Hotel right downtown in Provincetown. I'm so excited.  We're going to partypartyparty, but the real intention of the trip is for us to meat each other's family.  I met her father yesterday at lunch. I think he's just fantastic and Ida looks just like him. She said he loved me. How could he not when I joined him in singing the chorus to Billy Joel's Piano Man? He laughed at my jokes, too.

I could prattle on and on about Ida for pages, but I won't. I'll just say that my life is better with her in it. She amazes me. I love her.

I want to get a new tattoo and cut all my hair off badly. A blow-dry required style in summertime is just not working for me. I worked soooo hard to grow it out, though. I guess I'll just leave it :/ 

There's nothing else to say really except that despite the anxiety and bad self-esteem I've been feeling lately, things are really good and I"m feeling lucky.

 your skin is warm gold
mine pale pink
what do we look like
 lying together
on the blue sheets
still and quiet after love
arms and legs entwined
like a statue
so finely sculpted
it is impossible
to find the seam
between our two figures

 When it feel like you're imploding,
like you're the only one who wants to lie down in the street,
know that there will always be girls
who stream through this city
with their mouths slightly open
trying to breathe
and waiting to be kissed.

I'm sitting at my computer right now drinking a smoothie, totally naked except for my  red flip-flops and glasses with my hair slicked back and an exfoliating mask on my face.
HAWT!!